So, I reached the next layer in my onion of self-discovery. What for now even feels like the core. The answer to all my questions. The missing link. A friend recommended that I listen to “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown, and it absolutely changed my life. She talks about our shame gremlins and how they stop us from realizing our true potential. The gremlins will say things like “you’re not good enough, who do you think you are?, no one will listen to you anyway, what credentials do you have? Go get a real job!” They want us to stay small. Because if we stay small, no one can push us down. We’ve already done that ourselves.
She says it’s our time to step into the arena – show up and be seen, she calls it. She also says not to take criticism from anyone else who’s not in the arena with you. The arena could be anything, like a difficult conversation, putting up boundaries, starting an Instagram account, or just making your voice heard at a PTO meeting. She also says the time is now. It felt like she was speaking to me directly. I am in my mid-40s already, and some days it feels like I’ve just been waiting for my life to begin.
I have absolutely loved staying home with my kids for the past 10 years and I’m so grateful for this amazing chapter in my life. The days were sometimes long, but the years flew by. It felt like the moment we decided to move to Chicago, as I was pacing up and down the hospital halls trying to kick start labor with my son, was just yesterday. All those wonderful, patience-trying, love-filled days all blend together and feel like a big huge hug lovingly embracing me. From 3 years in Chicago, to 3 years in Evanston and then landing in Sarasota, FL I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m beyond grateful! But now I wake up and those little babies are growing up. All three of them are in school now, and it’s time for me to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.
A couple of days after listening to Brené Brown’s speech, another friend told me about an intro to improv class –something I’ve wanted to try for years, but have been way too scared to try. If it wouldn’t have been for Brené Brown‘s words, I would never have signed up. But I did… And for four days I got to act silly, laugh and play, and be seen. It propelled me forward, and I believe prepared me for what happened next.
I met with a friend a few days later, and she dropped a word that I’d never heard of before: codependency. It hit home like nothing else. That was me. There it was! I immediately started to dig in, reading everything I could get my hands on. I’m still learning, but I already feel so empowered, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
More times than I can remember, I’ve told my kids ‘if you’re happy, I’m happy’. I am an empath and I feel everybody else’s feelings. So it really was true for me: if somebody else was sad I was sad; if somebody else was happy I was happy. I would take on everyone else’s energy and feelings as my own. I was always told “don’t be so sensitive”, but I seriously couldn’t help myself. Add on codependency tendencies, which is the idea that not only do you think you can control other people’s feelings and lives, you are actually convinced that you’re in charge of their well-being. Their lives are in your hands. When other people didn’t change, I took that as rejection and being unworthy of love. No wonder I wanted to numb my anxious mind and worries with alcohol, cigarettes, overeating and binge-watching TV, you name it. It’s such a huge weight to carry.
I am only starting to understand what codependency means to me, but I feel like a veil has been lifted. It’s such a relief that I am not actually in charge of my friends’ well-being, my parents’ well-being, my husband’s…only my own. And I matter. I am lovable. I am enough.
I’ve listened to so many podcasts and read a lot of books since I made this discovery and I’m also adding the word perfectionist to describe who I am. So not only am I an empath, I also have codependency and perfectionism tendencies. Everything needs to be perfect, and since I have very little love for myself, I seek validation from the outside. Looking for love in all the wrong places, when all this time it’s been right inside of me. That’s the core of the onion – right there. Self love and acceptance. Letting that inner light shine.
What gives me hope is now that I’m aware, I can start seeing my patterns and actually change. Not somebody else, but I can change myself. Life changing! Away with the total lack of self-esteem, love, compassion, and boundaries for myself.
I’m beyond grateful for my support system, my family, and my sisterhood. Since making this discovery, I’ve signed up with a therapist and a business coach and I’m doing a lot of healing group work with other women in my community at the Wild Ginger Apothecary (a healing sanctuary offering classes like the Sophia Code, Soul-to-Sisterhood, Spiritual Sobriety, Breath work, Yoga and much more. It houses so many amazing souls. If you’re local, you have to check it out).
I feel so fortunate to have found such a supportive tribe here in Sarasota, FL. Although it’s far away from my hometown in Sweden, I feel like I was called here. This is home. My goal is to look at myself with the same loving and supporting eyes as my family and close friends do and to believe in myself as much as they believe in me.
I truly feel Mom Vegan Love is my calling. I want to empower women to live wholehearted lives filled with compassion and love. But I can’t do that if I’m going to war with myself. I’m putting an end to the era of playing small. It never protected me anyway.
I hope my healing journey can inspire and help others. Being vulnerable and authentic on my blog and social media gives me so much joy, but honestly it also gives me hives and sweat attacks. Ha ha! But knowing it’s my mission, I can more confidently step into my power. Into the light. Can you see me? Can you see me holding out my hand to bring you along and step into your arena? Self-care is not something we can do alone. But together, we’re unstoppable.
This post includes Amazon Affiliate links, as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. I only recommend products that I believe in and use myself.
Resources
Audio
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage by Brené Brown
The Adult Chair Podcasts by Michelle Chalfant
The Codependent Perfectionist’s Podcasts by Alana Carvalho
Books
Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
Huge shoutout to Kollene Carlsson from Blonde Cow Photography for the beautiful photographs.
This post includes Amazon Affiliate links, as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. I only recommend products that I believe in and use myself.
