I’m starting to realize that even though I’ve obviously used the word “no” many times in the past, it was always riddled with guilt. How did it make the other person feel? I just couldn’t stand thinking that they were upset with me. Should I call them and tell them I changed my mind? At least send a text explaining exactly why I couldn’t help this time?

After getting the codependency wake-up call, I can see that this is a huge part of who I am and how much time and energy I’ve spent worrying about how my decisions affect other people – without any regard for my own well-being. But since I’ve had very low self-esteem most of my life, my own feelings weren’t even something I considered. 

When Covid first made our lives come to a complete stop, I had just signed up for yoga teacher training. I was so excited to do something for myself. But the terms changed, and we could no longer meet in person. I now had all 3 of my kids at home, doing virtual school. It just didn’t feel fun anymore. I knew in my heart that this was not the time and that I should make the call to withdraw myself from the class.

Cue the anxiety and worries. I didn’t want to let the teachers in the class down, and what would all the other students think? I went back and forth and about drove myself crazy, but I felt the deep-down knowing that now was not the time. Then I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. The teacher, who is also a dear friend of mine, was very understanding, and totally saw where I was coming from. If I would have known that, I would have just told her earlier and saved myself a few days of anxiety. Ha, ha!

But the hardest part was after the conversation. I still felt like such a failure for not pushing through, not being the good girl, and completing everything I started. In hindsight, I can see the codependency cords wrapped tight around me. I just couldn’t shake the worry as I packed away the books from the class.

But by letting go of the class, I felt like I could completely allow myself to enjoy and appreciate this extra time with my kids. Instead of seeing it as a nuisance, quarantining became one of the most precious times in my life. I got to slow down and be present with my kids again. It was like I had been gifted all this time, and now I could really appreciate it without this cloud over my head.

Sometimes we don’t know what’s next. But by trusting my gut, my intuition, and letting go, I was shown the next best thing to do. Just by following the breadcrumbs on my trail of life. Love how my friend put it today: we can only see as far as the headlights reach. I know that the Universe always has my back, and when I trust that, everything flows. I don’t need to be able to see the final destination. Cutting those codependency cords releases me from worrying about what happens when I listen to my higher self.

Cue this weekend. My friend, who was the co-teacher of the original yoga teacher training, had always dreamed of having her own program, and that has now become a reality. I’m happy to say that I’m enrolled in her new 8-month program with an amazing group of women. Some of my absolute best friends have decided to be a part of this journey, and I’m just thrilled that I had the guts to say no before, so I now can say Hell Yes!!! 

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Think you have Codependency tendencies? I am gaining so much understanding and clarity from reading Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I also have a lot of aha-moments with Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. Knowledge is power. The more I learn about this subject, the more I feel in charge of my own life and well-being. It’s so liberating!

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